Think

Howard Zinn 1922-2010:

“I'm worried that students will take their obedient place in society and look to become successful cogs in the wheel - let the wheel spin them around as it wants without taking a look at what they're doing. I'm concerned that students not become passive acceptors of the official doctrine that's handed down to them from the White House, the media, textbooks, teachers and preachers.”

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2010/01/29/2010-01-29_howard_zinn_influential_20th_century_historian_and_activist_dies_at_87.html

100th Post!/ Mompetition

Wow, I never really thought I would make it to 100 posts!

I don't think I realised how cathartic blogging would be for me. I have enjoyed sharing my life with all of you, and truly appreciate the replies I receive and the thoughts you share with me.

I've been thinking a lot, lately, about something that I've found really difficult about being a Mom - being real about what parenthood is really like and letting my guard down.

I think too many of us, especially me, are afraid that we'll be judged if we admit to other people that we aren't always perfect. I know I saw this a lot when Parker was first born... Alan called it a "Mompetition"... let's compete to see who has the most perfect house, hair, child, car, life...

It isn't a competition based on reality... it is a competition based on the image we project. For me, it is that I am always smiling... I even smile when I feel horrible, frustrated or sad.

I realise that keeping my reality hidden actually pushes me away from others because they can only relate to me when they are happy... and nobody is always happy.

Yesterday someone told me that another Mom (neither of which follow my blog) commented I was always happy and didn't think I'd be able to handle the honest reality of another group of Moms who routinely share their parenting frustrations.

I was surprised, at first, because I always think of myself as a pretty open person and I know that I can empathise with these other moms because I have plenty of parenting frustrations. What I didn't realise was that my constant forced happy demeanor was alienating me from a group of people with which I likely have a lot in common.

The more I thought about it, the more I realised that it isn't open, honest or helpful to only share your happiness with the people around you. Sometimes you need to let people see your sadness, your dissappointment or your anger/frustration.

I think when we share both our 'light' and 'dark' sides with people, allow ourselves a little vulnerability, we make it possible to take our relationships to a whole new level.

When we open ourselves up, others will do the same and we can relate to so much more of what they are experiencing, because we actually know what it is. Our 'sameness' brings us closer and our vulnerability too. Who doesn't want closer, more satisfying relationships with others? Who doesn't want to feel more understood?

I know I do.

So, I will start... I struggle with anxiety. I have only recently been able to put a label on the feeling... I always just thought I was just a worrier, but now I accept it is something more serious.

It has been a life-long problem and I struggle everyday not to worry about things that are totally out of my control. I lay awake in bed at night thinking about my kids and worrying about the future. I am not comfortable taking anxiety medication, so I am doing other things to try and cope.

There, I said it....

So, what do YOU think?? Have you ever felt like you couldn't be real with someone about what you're experiencing or feeling because they will judge you? Have you experienced 'Mompetition'? Do you have friends that you tell EVERYTHING to? Do you only project the positive?

Temper Tantrum...

Do your kids have temper tantrums? Mine get mad but very rarely do they feel the need to lose control and scream and cry...tonight was one of those rare occasions.

Liam slapped his brother for the umpteenth time. He is in a hitting stage and I have no idea how to end it. I asked him to sit still and think about it for a few minutes. He complained, and whined and I know he was tired, so I told him that it was bedtime... this set-off 45 minutes of hollering and crying and the "I hate yous".

I should have explained that Liam is the world's biggest Mama's boy. I nursed that little milk monkey until he was 2 and a half and he'd still be nursing if it were up to him. We have a close and very special relationship, so it stung a little to be told he hates me 25 times in 10 minutes.

He finally told me he wanted me to go away, so I said I love you and started to stand up and he shreiked "WHERE are you GOING!!!???". I told him I was going away because he told me to and he started to cry and everything turned around.

I tried hard, throughout the tantrum to give him alternative words to use to express his feelings... I told him it was ok to tell me that he HATES what I am doing, or what is happening and that I knew he was feeling very very angry and that it was alright to tell someone that... I stayed calm, but it still stung.

I spent the next 30 minutes laying on the top bunk, reading 'Rainbow Fish' and and taking Sarah MacLaughlin requests (my kids like Miss Sarah), I rubbed his back and made up a song about him sliding down a rainbow with his 'Lamby', tucked him in and told him I loved him. He smiled and rolled over, the tantrum forgotten.

All is well and right in the Jones house...

What do YOU do when your child loses control?

On Thursday I had an acupuncturist appointment.

I forgot my cell phone and called Alan from P's school to remind him I was coming to pick him up at 3:45 (my appointment was at 4) so he could watch the boys. He said he'd be waiting.

I arrived at 3:40 and waited until 3:50 and then had to leave so I could be there on time. I was mad, but calm.

I called him when I arrived at the office and he said "Why didn't you call me?". He'd forgotten I didn't have my phone and even though I called 30 minutes before I had to pick him up, he is so used to being reminded by phone about things that it doesn't occur to him to set a timer, etc, to ensure promptness.

He arrived, by bus, halfway through my appointment (let me tell you, entertaining 2 boys in a small room while mostly naked, laying down and being stabbed with needles isn't as fun as it sounds) and took the boys home.

Alan is a wonderful man, so this post is not a complaint about him, but more about the effects of relying on contant contactability and how it changes how we organise our time and relate to others.

I am torn. I would really like to have a PDA to make my schedule easier to access (and because I am still having short-term memory problems from the accident) and the best ones out there are cell-phone based (iphone/Blackberry), but I do not want to make this situation worse.

This whole topic reminds me of a recent shopping trip wherein Liam asked me for a toy and I said no. I told him I did not have any cash to buy the toy for him (it has been my standby excuse) and his reply was "Well, then just use your debit r credit card!".

At the time it seemed cute and witty of him to think of this solution, but I found myself laying in bed later, wide awake, mulling it over.

When did my kids notice that you could just swipe a card and pay for whatever you wanted?

How am I going to teach them about money and wise spending and limits?

How will I explain about when convenience is appropriate and when it isn't?

I guess my point is, technology is good... great even, but how will it effect how our children make choices?

Any opinions??

Radical parenting

So... I read a fabulous article written by former Calgary AP Mama, Tabitha Tucker, someone I know, personally and whose quiet activism has inspired me.

A link to the article is here: http://www.synergymag.ca/parenting-a-radical-political-act/

Tabitha, thanks for your honesty and for your example!!

For all you mothers out there who think being a stay at home mom is the easy, lazy way out, or that trusting your kids to someone else to raise them and teach them values is more respectable than the former... I challenge you to read this article.

For those who've read it, what do you think?

Toothless Wonder

So, my 6 year old finally lost his front tooth.

We were walking in the grocery store and he said, "Mom, I can turn my tooth sideways!!". Sure enough, it was twisted sideways in his mouth. 15 minutes later it was out and his little face has changed forever...*sniff*.

I remember when he got his first bottom tooth, feeling a little sad that his little smile would never be the same.

I don't think I will ever get used to how amazingly quickly he changes and grows... I love him...:)

Heartbroken anguish

Ok, so I am PMSing, just a little, but I think I would be nearly as upset at any other time...

There has always been something about Smooch. Something intangible. Something I could never identify or put into words.

When he was a baby I constantly thought he would stop breathing in his sleep. As a toddler, he was fearless and I worried that he'd run out into traffic. I was over protective and coddling...I get that.

In the past 16 months, there have been three occasions when he was so ill I didn't know if he would make it through the night. I sat beside him, in anguish, heartbroken.

Smooch has always been "That Kid".

He also developed language at an inordinately early age. He said odd things that were so profoud...just a little glimpse at the complicated innerworkings of his little mind. I knew he was different. I tried to quash the feeling of anxiety that I could feel, burgeoning in my heart.

I agonized over the choice to send him to school. The protective Mama-bear inside me screamed with worry when we sent him to kindergarten. I knew he would be mis-understood, likely labelled. I knew that it would take someone who truly cares for him, to create an atmosphere of warm calm, to gently encourage him.

One of Smooch's teachers is that person. Ms. Vivian is warm. When I see her with Smooch, I know he is in kind, gentle hands. I know she "sees" him, his gentle, exceptional nature. I trust her.

I wish I could say the same for his other teacher (One is for morning, one for afternoon), but I cannot.

From day one I could feel her judgement and annoyance with Smooch. There is no amount of forced smiling that covers those negative emotions. Yet, when we sat down for "parent-teacher conversations" and expressed that we did not think the school was the right place for him, she brushed off our concerns.

The kicker is that I had her fill out an evaluation for Smooch, as we are having him assessed. The evaluation was so different from any of the others that were filled out for him...painting him as a defiant, socially awkward and average. I am disgusted that I allowed someone, with such a negative view of my child, spend so much time with him...and paid her to do it.

She does not know that Smooch's VIQ has been assessed in the 94th percentile. She does not know that his OIQ is in the high 80th percentile. She sees him as average, with an active imagination.

Had she been honest with me, I would have pulled him out of the school. Now, we are on the hook financially until June for a program I feel does not inspire and motivate him, or serve his best interests.

My mind is SCREAMING to pull him out. If I had my druthers about me, I would write a letter, right now, to the principal of his school. However, I am so emotiontioal that I can hardly stop crying for long enough to speak, and know that I would have to discuss this with her.

I am so torn and so sad...I have no idea what to do.


*UPDATE*

We have received the other questionairre from Smooch's morning class and are happy to say it is much more positive and represents the Smooch WE see and know.

I am feeling much calmer and more hopeful. Stay tuned.