Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Heartbroken anguish

Ok, so I am PMSing, just a little, but I think I would be nearly as upset at any other time...

There has always been something about Smooch. Something intangible. Something I could never identify or put into words.

When he was a baby I constantly thought he would stop breathing in his sleep. As a toddler, he was fearless and I worried that he'd run out into traffic. I was over protective and coddling...I get that.

In the past 16 months, there have been three occasions when he was so ill I didn't know if he would make it through the night. I sat beside him, in anguish, heartbroken.

Smooch has always been "That Kid".

He also developed language at an inordinately early age. He said odd things that were so profoud...just a little glimpse at the complicated innerworkings of his little mind. I knew he was different. I tried to quash the feeling of anxiety that I could feel, burgeoning in my heart.

I agonized over the choice to send him to school. The protective Mama-bear inside me screamed with worry when we sent him to kindergarten. I knew he would be mis-understood, likely labelled. I knew that it would take someone who truly cares for him, to create an atmosphere of warm calm, to gently encourage him.

One of Smooch's teachers is that person. Ms. Vivian is warm. When I see her with Smooch, I know he is in kind, gentle hands. I know she "sees" him, his gentle, exceptional nature. I trust her.

I wish I could say the same for his other teacher (One is for morning, one for afternoon), but I cannot.

From day one I could feel her judgement and annoyance with Smooch. There is no amount of forced smiling that covers those negative emotions. Yet, when we sat down for "parent-teacher conversations" and expressed that we did not think the school was the right place for him, she brushed off our concerns.

The kicker is that I had her fill out an evaluation for Smooch, as we are having him assessed. The evaluation was so different from any of the others that were filled out for him...painting him as a defiant, socially awkward and average. I am disgusted that I allowed someone, with such a negative view of my child, spend so much time with him...and paid her to do it.

She does not know that Smooch's VIQ has been assessed in the 94th percentile. She does not know that his OIQ is in the high 80th percentile. She sees him as average, with an active imagination.

Had she been honest with me, I would have pulled him out of the school. Now, we are on the hook financially until June for a program I feel does not inspire and motivate him, or serve his best interests.

My mind is SCREAMING to pull him out. If I had my druthers about me, I would write a letter, right now, to the principal of his school. However, I am so emotiontioal that I can hardly stop crying for long enough to speak, and know that I would have to discuss this with her.

I am so torn and so sad...I have no idea what to do.


We have received the other questionairre from Smooch's morning class and are happy to say it is much more positive and represents the Smooch WE see and know.

I am feeling much calmer and more hopeful. Stay tuned.


Jennifer said...

Being a mom is certainly not easy. Go with your gut Lisa. You know what is best for your child. {hug}

Sara said...

I feel so much for you right now. It is so hard at times. It doesn't seem like the afternoon teacher is getting to know him well enough to see who he really is. I am glad the morning teacher understands him more. Concerning taking him out of school... I would just go with your instinct. It will guide you the right way. HUGS!